Not talking to someone cause your partner dosnt want you to.

I'm not saying that if you're not directly ordering that person to do (or not do) soemthing then you're playing the passive aggressive game.

I'm saying talk things out. Be honest and upfront with your feelings. But ordering someone to do something makes me feel like the relationship is more parent-child than equal partners. I will have no authority over my husband to tell him he can't do something. But I can tell him how his actions make me feel.

Could I tell him directly, "I don't like the way she talks to you and it makes me uncomfortable because she's clearly flirting with you, and I don't like that you allow it to continue"? Absolutely. And that would lead to deeper discussion about how the situation could be handled.

I think that's what we were all trying to say!

Ethnog wrote:

my down fall has always been telling them exactly whats on my mind.  

I would LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE to date a woman that did that.

Honestly, I always seem to get the examples from above.

Then she says "Well I didnt want to upset you" which is a bunch of crap.

I HATE being a contestant on "Guess whats bugging me today."

THAT is what upsets me.

If a woman says " Here is what is bugging me and why" I dont get upset, its the game playing crap that gets on my nerves and I eventually hear those sighs and ignore them.

I hear :

SIGH

Whats wrong?

Nothing.

Okay, Im going to hang with the guys talk to ya later. (Well aware that something is wrong, but if shes not willing to deal with it like an adult, I eventually get sick of it and don't let it get to me)

Of course when it reaches that point, I have pretty much all but said the words "Its over".

If I were to date a woman that told me straight up, I would call up the guys and say "Hey I wont make it tonight" and I would stay with her and talk it out like adults.... but, that game show grows old FAST.

I give every woman I date a few passes on it when I start dating her and I will star on that game show (Maybe she doesn't know she can talk to me if the relationship is just beginning etc..) but after a time.... she should know she can talk to me, otherwise there is no reason to be in a relationship for a long time.

But, LT you forget that marriage is not always a straight line of 2 adults talking things out.

I know im 28 years old yet I don't always act 28. I have my logical sensible moments and I have my acting like a child moments. So in a marriage I know sometimes my wife would have to be the adult and I know sometimes ill have to be the adult in the relationship.

It would be easy if we were all level headed and adults about things all the time. But we are not that way. So sometimes ordering someone not to do something isn't such a bad idea.

Toro I did that before with my first bf. I never told him and was always passive-aggressive. I cringe thinking about how I acted because I didn't know how to communicate.
Thankfully, I've grown out of that ... It was a long time ago but I learned that even when it's hard I need to say what I really think and feel.

wannaberocker wrote:

But, LT you forget that marriage is not always a straight line of 2 adults talking things out.

I know im 28 years old yet I don't always act 28. I have my logical sensible moments and I have my acting like a child moments. So in a marriage I know sometimes my wife would have to be the adult and I know sometimes ill have to be the adult in the relationship.

It would be easy if we were all level headed and adults about things all the time. But we are not that way. So sometimes ordering someone not to do something isn't such a bad idea.

maybe now we're just down to different personality types. I know for me personally the absolute worst way to deal with a problem is to give me an order. I feel its more respectful to discuss things than to give orders. Especially on important issues.

Sit me down and discuss it with me, and I'll listen. Order me around, and I'll shut down and we'll get nowhere because I don't tolerate being treated like a child. Thats generally how I deal with others as well.

little_tigress wrote:

Order me around, and I'll shut down

 No wonder you have been resisting me when I say "You love me and you know it!"

Okay..... *running to the drawing board formulating a different tactic.....the sounds of pots and pans falling over and being knocked around*

  I found it... the piece de resistance!

*drum roll*

*pulling away the sheet*

Oh Lord...

I hope I don't come across the wrong way when I say this, but I believe there are things more important than marriage in a person's life. If you're married, that's wonderful. I hope to be married some day. Marriage is a great thing. But I don't see marriage as the top of the list of importance. I don't see marriage as the reason why I exist. It would be a wonderful blessing to have a wife and a house full of kids, but Paul said it is better to be single so you can focus on the things of God. When you're married and have kids, etc, your attention is drawn towards your family.

Jesus had a lot to say about this. Matthew 10:34-36, "Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword. For I am come to set a man at variance against his father, and the daughter against her mother, and the daughter in law against her mother in law. And a man's foes shall be they of his own household."

Luke 14:25-27, "And there went great multitudes with him: and he turned, and said to them, If any man come to me, and hate not his father, and mother, and wife, and children, and brothers, and sisters, yes, and his own life also, he cannot be my disciple. And whoever does not bear his cross, and come after me, cannot be my disciple."

Very bold words. Of course we know them to be symbolic and we are not to hate our wives, kids, parents, etc but our relationship with God should be far and above everything else and our duty to God should be our main focus. If God blesses me with a wife, I hope she is a woman with that same mindset where we can comfortably serve together and not get jealous or push others away because they make us feel uncomfortable, that we would invite that person into our home and have dinner with them.

little_tigress wrote:

maybe now we're just down to different personality types. I know for me personally the absolute worst way to deal with a problem is to give me an order. I feel its more respectful to discuss things than to give orders. Especially on important issues.

Sit me down and discuss it with me, and I'll listen. Order me around, and I'll shut down and we'll get nowhere because I don't tolerate being treated like a child. Thats generally how I deal with others as well.

that might be it.

I guess im more flexible simply because I know that I don't behave like an adult 100% of the time. So in that sense I wouldn't mind if my SO instructed me not to do something. Would I like it if she ordered me around on everything? heck no cause im not a child. But, every now and then if she felt she had to put her foot down over a matter. I don't think id get butt hurt or think that my ego was bruised.

in that same manner I hope if I had an issue where I felt compelled to put my foot down. That she would understand and go along with it.

And with that said I hope I end up with a woman who understands this dynamic and dosnt expect me to behave like an adult 100% of the time. I can be immature about a lot of things and I hope she understands.

little_tigress wrote:

Oh Lord...

 

Madam,

Sauceman wrote:

I hope I don't come across the wrong way when I say this, but I believe there are things more important than marriage in a person's life.  If you're married, that's wonderful. I hope to be married some day.  Marriage is a great thing.  But I don't see marriage as the top of the list of importance.  I don't see marriage as the reason why I exist.  It would be a wonderful blessing to have a wife and a house full of kids, but Paul said it is better to be single so you can focus on the things of God.  When you're married and have kids, etc, your attention is drawn towards your family.  

Jesus had a lot to say about this.  Matthew 10:34-36, "Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword. For I am come to set a man at variance against his father, and the daughter against her mother, and the daughter in law against her mother in law. And a man's foes shall be they of his own household."

Luke 14:25-27, "And there went great multitudes with him: and he turned, and said to them, If any man come to me, and hate not his father, and mother, and wife, and children, and brothers, and sisters, yes, and his own life also, he cannot be my disciple. And whoever does not bear his cross, and come after me, cannot be my disciple."

Very bold words.  Of course we know them to be symbolic and we are not to hate our wives, kids, parents, etc but our relationship with God should be far and above everything else and our duty to God should be our main focus.  If God blesses me with a wife, I hope she is a woman with that same mindset where we can comfortably serve together and not get jealous or push others away because they make us feel uncomfortable, that we would invite that person into our home and have dinner with them.  

I don't like that you used scripture to defend something I did not say at all!
And this wasn't about putting God first either!

Did I respond to you? Or link your post? I'm sorry if you got the impression I was trying to attack your position, but I wasn't. I guess I should've added, "Adding to my position..."

Did I say attack? Dont throw out words each time you feel that way! And I was the only one that responded to you so it's only logical to think that?

Sauceman wrote:

Did I respond to you?  Or link your post?  I'm sorry if you got the impression I was trying to attack your position, but I wasn't.  I guess I should've added, "Adding to my position..."

In all honesty man your post in a sense kinda stated the obvious. Of course God should always be our main focus. But that dosnt mean we cannot discuss things that involve human emotions.

What if I was talking about a algebra problem. Would you tell me my focus should be God and not the Algebra problem?

Again, I said I'm sorry if I gave you the impression, implying that I was apologizing if you felt my post was an attack. I didn't say you felt attacked. I was apologizing if you felt attacked.

Gosh I do not communicate well via word. I promise I wasn't responding to your post directly. I was just sharing how I felt about marriage and how *I* feel my duty to should come first.

So I am sorry for my wording if I came off a certain way.

wannaberocker wrote:

In all honesty man your post in a sense kinda stated the obvious. Of course God should always be our main focus. But that dosnt mean we cannot discuss things that involve human emotions.

What if I was talking about a algebra problem. Would you tell me my focus should be God and not the Algebra problem?

Yes, because everyone knows algebra is Satanic in nature. I would just be looking out for you bro.

well I have to agree about algebra. all math is evil.

little_tigress wrote:

well I have to agree about algebra. all math is evil.

Its like you are in my head.....

I would throw out there too that when Paul said it's better to stay single than to get married, he was addressing people with the gift of singleness specifically. Because to say that Paul thought it was better to be single than to be married as a general rule, that would be contradictory to other things that Paul writes, as well as other passages of Scripture.

Yeah I agree. I totally forgot about the second part of that verse where he endorses marriage. Marriage is definitely a good thing. I've just been on a personal role of trying my best to give it all to God. I prayed a prayer six years ago as a result of hearing the song "World's Apart" by Jars of Clay and it's really about asking God to tear your life apart so there's nothing left but you and Him. And that's exactly what has happened. Two days after that prayer, my dad died and over the past few years, I've lost everything I've owned and really struggled, but the whole time, God was there. I never missed a meal or went without a roof over my head and I don't know how I have gotten through the past few years. But I did.

So I've really been making it a point in my life to try to lean everything towards God. Not that no one else does or no one else desires that deep connection with God, but it has become everything to me. And I think I became too outspoken about it in my above posts. I don't look down on marriage or the desire to be married as I desire to marry. But part of me just wishes God would take that desire as well so it can be just me and Him.

I've been too dependent on others for my happiness and security and everything else in my life. Maybe this is part of me growing up. I don't know.

Part of the song lyrics:

I look beyond the empty cross
Forgetting what my life has cost
And wipe away the crimson stains
And dull the nails that still remains
More and more I need you now,
I owe you more each passing hour
The battle between grace and pride
I gave up not so long ago
So steal my heart and take the pain
And wash the feet and cleanse my pride
Take the selfish, take the weak,
And all the things I cannot hide
Take the beauty, take my tears
The sin-soaked heart and make it yours
Take my world all apart
Take it now, take it now
And serve the ones that I despise
Speak the words I can't deny
Watch the world I used to love
Fall to dust and thrown away

I don't think my husband would ever ever order me not to speak to someone b/c he felt threatened.  I can't imagine that happening in any marriage or relationship w/o it being controlling and full of insecurities.   I did have a friend whose husband requested that she not get close to or hug a particular guy friend, but that was because the guy friend was sort of pervy and the husband was trying to look out for my friend.  I understand that.

I think if my husband saw something I didn't about a "friend" he would talk to me about it and warn me; but he would never order me not to speak to them; he would probably tell me to be careful.  And I'd do the same for him.

That said; now that I've gone back and read the thread, I do think there are situations within marriage where a spouse should be able to speak up and say, "hey, your relationship with so and so is making me nervous. I trust you but not them and I'd appreciate it if you stop being alone with them, etc.." if need be. Situations like that happen more than people imagine and I think there are legit situations where a spouse needs to express what they are feeling about a friend of the opposite sex. But, I don't think it ever does any good to order your spouse to to stop talking to someone; asking with good reason because you love them is better.

mina wrote:

I don't think my husband would ever ever order me not to speak to someone b/c he felt threatened.  I can't imagine that happening in any marriage or relationship w/o it being controlling and full of insecurities.   I did have a friend whose husband requested that she not get close to or hug a particular guy friend, but that was because the guy friend was sort of pervy and the husband was trying to look out for my friend.  I understand that.

I think you explained my feelings better than I did

If I was married, the wife would come first. If she was just a girlfriend, the friend in question would come first, but a wife is family. Unless my spouse develops serious problems that cast doubt on her judgment, I would proactively cooperate with her on this. Demands would neither be necessary nor appropriate. Chances are, she has a very good reason, and this isn't the kind battle I'd want to pick.

Edit: This isn't to say there wouldn't be discussion. If someone becomes a persona non grata, I'd like to know why.

I think the more I learn about general views of how a marriage is or should be. The more I realize how different my views regarding marriage are. Its sort of funny how im often stuck in a position where im arguing against extremely liberal views regarding marriage for being too liberal or arguing about extremely conservative views of marriage for being too conservative and then there is, when im arguing about against centrist views regarding marriage for being too centrist lol.

I think the conclusion would be that I can plan and theorize all day long. But until it actually happens I wont know what works. And what works for X,Y or Z might still not work for me.