Not talking to someone cause your partner dosnt want you to.

So recently I was having some Tea (Chai) with my folks and my mom was talking about someone friend that she no longer talks to.

Apparently, my dad meet that particular couple at walmart not that long ago. But apart from the "hi , Hello" didn't say much. Now before things went sour my dad would prob had invited them over to hang out or do something.

My point being, my dad didn't have an argument with the couple, My mom did, yet because my mom had an argument, my dad Is also no longer friends with them either.

My parents have always been that way. If my dad dosnt like someone, my mom automatically dosnt like them. If my mom dosnt like someone, my dad automatically dislikes them too.

So the question then becomes. If you are dating someone or engaged or married to someone. And your partner says "I don't want you talking to that person because I don't like them".

How would you react?

Well IMO it all depends on the falling out, BUT being married you are one flesh.

Your parents MIGHT see continuing to be friends with someone the other had a falling out with as not worth the risk of your mother or dad seeing it as choosing the friends side. After all stand by your wife or husband first. (Well Jesus first but... you know what I mean)

(Not saying that is why, I don't know them, that is only my guess)

As for me:

Girlfriend: Depends on the relationship I suppose, if it were strong and had progressed to deep feelings. I probably would avoid contact with them.

Just mild dating (the beginning of a relationship), no, as friends usually remain, women come and go.

Engaged: Yes, Id stop hanging out with them as she would be the one woman I wanted to spend my life with, all others on this planet would be secondary.

Married: Yes, same as above, except I would have completely committed to making her my one for life, she would be first.

It also depends on why she said it, the above answers are based on legitimate issues, not just her trying to remove friends from my life because she wants me to stay at home all the time. If that were the case we would have to have a talk about trust issues (or whatever the reason is she wanted to remove everyone from my life but her.)

The only time I would ever stop talking to someone or take them out of my life is if they hurt me deeply. And that usually takes more then one hurt from the person before I say "enough" and stop communication. In the process I would talk to my SO to see how he feels. Of course he would see my side only but if the person is in our circle then during interactions he would see what happens as well and who the person is.
But in all honesty because I am protective of the people I love I would stand by him. I wouldn't completely cut contact if they honestly did not do something major but if they did you better believe I would not talk to the other person. But if it wasn't something big and my SO has a fault in personality where he assumes more then the fact then I would talk to him about the situation. Remind him of the friendship and letting go of pride. I wouldn't be lovely dovey with the other person but I wouldn't completely cut contact.
I would hope he would do the same for me so that I could come back down to reality. And still if I choose not to continue having a friendship after I've talked to SO about it them that falls on me not him.

I can't imagine anyone in a healthy and loving relationship demanding that their SO stop talking to anyone. However, if my husband asked me to not talk to a certain person and he had a good reason (which he explained) then I would more than likely stop talking to that person because my husband is a great judge of character and he is also fair.

Now, there are people that my husband just doesn't care for that I am friends with. In fact, I've been best friends with one girl and her family for over 20 years. D tolerates my bestie but he cannot stand being around her mother (which they all live together. Mother, two daughters (one is my best friend), and my best friend's adopted children.); D has never asked me, and would never do so, to stop being friends with any of them. Friends don't have to be shared between a husband and wife IMO. I mean...I have all of you guys and he doesn't even know y'all. I don't think he'd ever ask me to give up my friends I've met online either unless I spent an unhealthy amount of time online (and then he'd probably just ask me to reduce the amount of time I'm on).

I'm with Sara, I don't think its a sign of a healthy relationship for one to demand of the other not to speak with someone based on simply not liking/not getting along with that person. In all honesty, it just sounds childish. but I also get it, I've noticed a similar dynamic in my parents marriage. If my dad doesn't like someone, my mother doesn't either. I've never heard him say, "don't talk to this person." but the attitude seems contagious.

The only time I've bever heard either of them use that phrase was when my dad started talking to an old friend of his from years ago on facebook. And this woman is naturally a very forward person who can come across as rather flirtatious (whether thats her true intention or her personality, I really have no clue). And it bothered my mother a lot to see this woman acting like that with her husband and told him point blank, "I don't want you talking with her anymore."

I dunno if I would have handled the situation quite the same, but I can understand wanting to and feeling the need for that. So in that situation I could understand it.

But to ask someone to stop talking to another person because, "they didn't send me a thank you card for the dinner we invited them too last week." or something minor like that, thats just wrong.

Like Toro said, when married, you are one flesh. And if my wife had a valid reason for not talking to someone, I would do the same if she asked me to. At the same time, if there were anything I could do to make things right between them, I would try to do that too.

little_tigress wrote:

I'm with Sara, I don't think its a sign of a healthy relationship for one to demand of the other not to speak with someone based on simply not liking/not getting along with that person. In all honesty, it just sounds childish. but I also get it, I've noticed a similar dynamic in my parents marriage. If my dad doesn't like someone, my mother doesn't either. I've never heard him say, "don't talk to this person." but the attitude seems contagious.

The only time I've bever heard either of them use that phrase was when my dad started talking to an old friend of his from years ago on facebook. And this woman is naturally a very forward person who can come across as rather flirtatious (whether thats her true intention or her personality, I really have no clue). And it bothered my mother a lot to see this woman acting like that with her husband and told him point blank, "I don't want you talking with her anymore."

I dunno if I would have handled the situation quite the same, but I can understand wanting to and feeling the need for that. So in that situation I could understand it.

But to ask someone to stop talking to another person because, "they didn't send me a thank you card for the dinner we invited them too last week." or something minor like that, thats just wrong.

Iv actually think your mom handled that well. I say that simply because iv heard my mom say to some of my younger female cousins who were engaged or getting married things like "Sometimes you got to put your foot down and let your husband know what the limit is". OF course when I hear her say such things, I complain about how that's such a narrow minded view of the husband wife relationship and blah blah blah. But she always has the come back of well iv been married 31 years, I know what im talking about.

But, I understand her main point though. Her main point is that if a wife does not communicate her dislike of a flirtatious someone or if she dosnt shake the hubby awake sometimes. Innocent little something's can turn into something without the people involved even realizing it.

So in my view your mom was intelligent enough in that situation to know that "hey I got to communicate to my husband that I don't like it". Your mom may trust her husband, but she don't trust another woman who's got a flirtatious personality.

Oh yeah, I do believe the importance of talking it out and making feelings clear. But I just don't know if I would have jumped to "stop talking to her" right out the gate.

my real issue with it is ordering someone to stop talking to someone. Talk it out, and say, "hey this situation makes me feel uncomfortable. Can this be avoided?" Then you can reach a decision together where both people are satisfied and feeling affirmed and secure in the relationship.

Once you start ordering your partner around, that just seems to create a lot of other issues.

but then again, I've never been married, so its all theory to me right now.

I would have told him.
Honestly, anything little like that can and might turn into something and the way online works I would not like it at all.
And I agree that it's not that I wouldn't trust my husband I just don't trust a women who on purpose flirts with a married man. Find your own man.

If that says I'm insecure fine so be it!


I don't believe for a second someone "unintentionally" flirts with a married person.

Like others have said, it would have to depend on the reason and motive they had for me to stop talking to this person. If we were dating or whatever and they said this, I would probably have second thoughts about the relationship because I don't want to be with someone who demanded who I could or couldn't talk to or be friends with.

I hope I'm charitable to everyone and it's those who are the sickest that need the doctor, right? Even if someone gave a bad impression, Jesus sat at the table with sinners and the Pharisees looked down on Him for it. I'm still of the opinion that we exist to serve and love others and if a S.O. had a difficult time with the fact that I am a people-person and want to love on everyone I can, then we're probably not meant for each other.

With that said, I would NOT expect that they have to be the same way. It's okay if they don't like someone and I'm not saying that I like everyone.

But if someone was influencing my behavior in a negative way and they were looking out for me and I needed to alter my relationship with someone who brought the worst out in me (we all have those people in our lives), then I can understand that because I believe in accountability.

I personally that in a marriage you learn to trust your partners judgment. And sometimes even if you don't think your partner is being fair, you have to give them the benefit of the doubt and go with their judgment.

Its like if a wife say "hey, I don't trust that person and I don't want you hangin out with them". Of course you can disagree with your wife about it. But, I think ultimately you sometimes have to trust your partners judgment and say I may disagree, but trust you.

Are there instances where a wife can notice a something before a husband even realizes it? heck yea and are there instances where a husband can notice something before a wife? You bet.

Edited my post to clarify my thoughts =)

Sauceman wrote:

I hope I'm charitable to everyone and it's those who are the sickest that need the doctor, right?  Even if someone gave a bad impression, Jesus sat at the table with sinners and the Pharisees looked down on Him for it.  I'm still of the opinion that we exist to serve and love others and if a S.O. had a difficult time with the fact that I am a people-person and want to love on everyone I can, then we're probably not meant for each other.

 

This reminds me of the conversation with my friend yesterday.

Her bf has a friend who wont stop being clingy to him. Its so much so that her bfs leave because of this. It is really bothering my friend because that girl wont stop and she has asked her to stop many times.
But the thing is my friends boyfriend is extremely kind and giving and though he has told his friend to stop too, he hasn't be very strong about it and because of that his friend continues and makes her gf seem like she is insecure or rude.

I think at some point you have to put your foot down.
If you want to be like Christ, then you put your foot down and you tell that person to STOP and its not okay at all.
Playing a middle ground only hurts the person you say you truly love.

I know you don't specifically mean it in those terms, but I think you have to understand because being a peoples person doesn't mean allowing things to happen because you want to show love. If someone continues to cross boundaries, I would say you should really hear your gf because it shows what she feels and says is true and it has nothing to do with being right for each other or not. Its really about respecting yourself and even more so the relationship.

Ethnog wrote:

I would have told him.
Honestly, anything little like that can and might turn into something and the way online works I would not like it at all.
And I agree that it's not that I wouldn't trust my husband I just don't trust a women who on purpose flirts with a married man. Find your own man.

If that says I'm insecure fine so be it!

I agree with you, its one reason I avoid facebook all together.

Sure, its not the site itself, it's a tool and like all tools are neither good nor evil, only intentions of the user, but it can lead to MANY problems.

Much like my sister, I know she uses facebook and she is in and out of marriage many times and most of the men she marries (or dates) right after a divorce is an old highschool flame.... so its an assumption on my part, but it DOES seem to be the norm of the world today. (Also if it werent the case, I don't get how all these old flames show up in the picture at the same time, without it being facebook, there sure are A LOT of coincidences. )

Besides, most of what I have seen on facebook and sites like it is a place for people to talk about themselves, celebrate themselves and pretend as if they have a ton of friends with people they dont even know. People dont need to know, nor do they care about every shred of detail about my life.

Toro wrote:

Besides, most of what I have seen on facebook and sites like it is a place for people to talk about themselves, celebrate themselves and pretend as if they have a ton of friends with people they dont even know. People dont need to know, nor do they care about every shred of detail about my life.

Whats wrong with that...I do that every day on FB!

I should go do it again...but I can't think of anything else to brag about now.  

little_tigress wrote:

Edited my post to clarify my thoughts =)

I still do not see it as ordering.
When I state how I feel and we have a discussion then he would see my feelings, thoughts, and opinion on the matter. And if he does understand that my intuition is correct and has a track record of being correct then it should stop without me even saying the words.

But thats when you are really intuned with someone. Maybe because I have had that experience before (being intuned) that I see this point of view. I wouldn't know what to feel if my SO did not and I had to "explain" every little thing because he just didn't get it.

little_tigress wrote:

Oh yeah, I do believe the importance of talking it out and making feelings clear. But I just don't know if I would have jumped to "stop talking to her" right out the gate.

but then again, I've never been married, so its all theory to me right now.

I like your moms approach to be honest. As a man I can appreciate the occasional straight forward "I don't want you talkin to her because I don't trust her" approach.

I think that is the difference between a lot of old school marriages that have lasted and the new generation of marriages that break apart after 5 years. I think in our current generation we emphasize communication sooooo much. But a lot of times we say a lot but don't really communicate.

Men in many way like the straight forward "hey I want this, hey I don't want that" approach. But, women these days seem to think you got to talk for hrs n hrs and over complicate things. When really sometimes you just got to be straight forward about it.

There is a sort of closeness and togetherness when a woman can say to her man "I don't want you to talk to that woman because you are mine and I don't trust her".

Ethnog wrote:

Whats wrong with that...I do that every day on FB!

I should go do it again...but I can't think of anything else to brag about now.  

It's not really my thing, but as long as it is all in harmless fun and not self idolization (Not saying that is what you do), nothing is wrong with that, however some people put being able to do that above their wife or husband and THAT is when it becomes wrong IMO.

Toro wrote:

Ethnog wrote:

Whats wrong with that...I do that every day on FB!

I should go do it again...but I can't think of anything else to brag about now.  

It's not really my thing, but as long as it is all in harmless fun and not self idolization (Not saying that is what you do), nothing is wrong with that, however some people put being able to do that above their wife or husband and THAT is when it becomes wrong IMO.

I know I was totally kidding.

wannaberocker wrote:

Men in many way like the straight forward "hey I want this, hey I don't want that" approach. But, women these days seem to think you got to talk for hrs n hrs and over complicate things. When really sometimes you just got to be straight forward about it.

I think you can be straightforward and still talk a lot about it. But yes, we do appreciate you ladies telling us exactly what you like and don't like, in all areas

wannaberocker wrote:

I like your moms approach to be honest. As a man I can appreciate the occasional straight forward "I don't want you talkin to her because I don't trust her" approach.

I like it too.

It's so much easier than the silent drama of:

Him: Whats wrong?

Her : Nothing.

Him: well why are you being this way

Her: If you dont know Im not gonna tell you

Him: Wait.... what? :scratch:  So something is wrong?

Her: Cant you tell by my deep sighs? I swear you dont pay any attention to me!

Him: Why do you think I asked whats wrong?

Her: Well if you truly loved me youd know!

Him:

Strider1002 wrote:

I think you can be straightforward and still talk a lot about it. But yes, we do appreciate you ladies telling us exactly what you like and don't like, in all areas

of course there are many things you can discuss matters on. But when it comes to women or men who flirt with married women or men. THe straight forward approach is best in my view

I mean lets be honest. When most women say "Ohhh hes my old best guy friend from high school. He knows im married and he just wants to be friends again". As a man you can listen to his conv for 10 mins and figure out if he just wants to be friends or if he wants to get into her pants.

I think the same way women can catch other women's intentions a lot better than men. The same way most men can catch other men's intentions a lot faster than women can.

Toro wrote:

wannaberocker wrote:

I like your moms approach to be honest. As a man I can appreciate the occasional straight forward "I don't want you talkin to her because I don't trust her" approach.

I like it too.

It's so much easier than the silent drama of:

Him: Whats wrong?

Her : Nothing.

Him: well why are you being this way

Her: If you dont know Im not gonna tell you

Him: Wait.... what? :scratch:  So something is wrong?

Her: Cant you tell by my deep sighs? I swear you dont pay any attention to me!

Him: Why do you think I asked whats wrong?

Her: Well if you truly loved me youd know!

Him:

haha lol nice.

Toro wrote:

wannaberocker wrote:

I like your moms approach to be honest. As a man I can appreciate the occasional straight forward "I don't want you talkin to her because I don't trust her" approach.

I like it too.

It's so much easier than the silent drama of:

Him: Whats wrong?

Her : Nothing.

Him: well why are you being this way

Her: If you dont know Im not gonna tell you

Him: Wait.... what? :scratch:  So something is wrong?

Her: Cant you tell by my deep sighs? I swear you dont pay any attention to me!

Him: Why do you think I asked whats wrong?

Her: Well if you truly loved me youd know!

Him:

my down fall has always been telling them exactly whats on my mind.  

I'd much rather have a straightforward five-hour talk than the "you love me, you should know what I'm thinking" exchange, as described above