Do you have a Crush on Anyone?

Well I didn't mean to imply that ALL strong, independent women are that way. I even said I hope to find the one who is attracted to me and that's why I'm attracted to them because they balance me out. But while I may be sensitive, I am tough and hardworking and been through a lot of garbage and never gave up on God, hope or life.

I'm just speaking from my experience, that every girl I have gone for because she attracted me on every level, their main reason for rejecting me is I was too sensitive. And maybe in a lot of ways, for awhile there, I was too sensitive. Maybe that will change now that I've continued to change and not be overly sensitive that turns girls off.

I've just looked far and wide for a reason and that's what the usual answer is. I hear all the time how I'm attractive, the 'tall, dark and handsome' type, funny, generous, loves God, loves to serve, knows the bible, is a wonderful guy........okaaayyyyy, then what's the problem? Aren't those all the things you're looking for in a guy?

So I tried to find what the personality trait I have that is kryptonite to ladies and usually the answer is I'm just too sensitive.

Why am I rejecting her? I haven't. I said I wasn't closing the door on it...that I'm just not going to pursue her right now. We've seen each other twice. We chat sometimes on Facebook, but rarely. I don't know if she's waiting for me to make a move or be more adventurous in pursuing her...I don't know. I'm not used to this kind of thing. I guess because of all the rejection I've gotten in the past...I want to be sure. I'm not the kind of guy who will just ask out a pretty girl on a whim. And I don't date...I want to be in a courtship that leads to marriage. So could I marry this girl? I know really nothing about her other than conversation comes easy to us.

Just don't try to change yourself too much so that a girl will like you. So, you're sensitive. Not necessarily something to be ashamed of. Find a woman who likes you for who you are. 6 billion people in the world, there are women who will like you for who you are. You just need to find one

As someone who would be considered sensitive myself, I can relate a little bit.  And perhaps I can give you another viewpoint.  I don't know.  I can only try.

The danger in sensitivity is that often there's a fine line between being sensitive, and just being too emotional.  I know I've dealt with that line often myself.  People who are more sensitive struggle more with confidence, because they are extremely sensitive to their own flaws, shortcomings, etc.  So often times, a person who is more sensitive, will have more troubles feeling a sense of confidence about themselves.  I know it was that way with me.  

Being sensitive is not a negative thing, it's a gift from God.  However, with any gift from God, if not used properly it can be just as damaging as it is positive.  Being sensitive allows you to connect with people in ways that many people don't experience.  It allows you to sense and pick up on feelings from other people that other people aren't often aware of.  

But we often turn that gift upon ourselves and just beat ourselves into the ground with it.  I've done it for years.  It's hard to shut off.  

I would guess that the personality trait that you are lacking, and what women are looking for is confidence.  Women want to feel safe and secure around a guy.  It doesn't mean you have to be macho, huge muscles, or whatever.  But you do need to have some confidence I think.  Confidence in who you are as a person, confidence in your faith in God etc.  It's not easy to have that, but it can be worked on and it's something you can work on.  Confidence is often mistaken for arrogance by some people, but they are completely different.  

So I think you are assuming girls are rejecting you for being sensitive, while they are probably shying away because they see a lack of confidence in you.  Women will pick up on that extremely quickly.  And also, a lack of confidence is different from just being shy.  Women will forgive you for being shy, but a lack of confidence shows that you won't be able to step up and make decisions in a relationship.  You're always going to be dependant on the other person in order to get things done.  

I'm not saying you have to be perfect at it, but a little bit goes a long way.  The way you talk, the way you handle yourself, all reflect to others your personality.  If I talk bad about myself, always assume people are picking on me even when they aren't, then that's going to indicate to them a lack of confidence.  

She's given you some signs of interest.  She's asked you about your job, she's talked to you.  She's even friended you on facebook.  Those are not little things (in my opinion) and that shows to me that she's interested.  However, you still have to meet her halfway if you want it to go anywhere.  Ask her if she wants to go do something sometime.  A walk in the park, dinner, or something simple.  Something with as less pressure as possible.

But if you assume that she's already rejected you, then you've already shot yourself in the foot.

^^That

I know you didn't imply anything, Sauce. I was just giving you a perspective from a woman who considers herself to be strong and independent. I really like Spunkn's theory. I will be the first to say confidence is sexy and not so much confident in oneself but confident in the gifts God has given someone. If you know that God blessed you with sensitivity then embrace it with pride and learn how to utilize it not only for Him but for others. That's when He'll shine through you and your sensitivity will show through in a whole new way.

I have decided to remain crushless for a while. This is going to be a very busy year for me and I really don't need any distractions. Ask me again this time next year.

That is a very good point and probably true. I do lack confidence in myself.

Awesome Sauce wrote:

That is a very good point and probably true.  I do lack confidence in myself.  

Which leads you to believe that others believe things about you that are not true! Once you cross that bridge you will realize that there is more to you then you believe!


Wow that totally made sense in my head.

Ethnog wrote:

Awesome Sauce wrote:

That is a very good point and probably true.  I do lack confidence in myself.  

Which leads you to believe that others believe things about you that are not true! Once you cross that bridge you will realize that there is more to you then you believe!


Wow that totally made sense in my head.

Made sense to me, but then maybe I'm becoming proficient in speaking Eggnog  

Made sense to me too... since sometimes I think that others think things about me that aren't true.

I underestimate people sometimes; while staying optimistic... That probably doesn't make sense.. but I'm poor and have no cents.

Awesome Sauce wrote:

Well I didn't mean to imply that ALL strong, independent women are that way. I even said I hope to find the one who is attracted to me and that's why I'm attracted to them because they balance me out.  But while I may be sensitive, I am tough and hardworking and been through a lot of garbage and never gave up on God, hope or life.  

 

There are a few things here to remember. There is physical and mental toughness in general (which im sure you have). Then there is mental toughness when it comes to women. I personally believe you are mentally and physically tough, however when it comes to women you turn into a wimp.

Why? I have no idea. Maybe you just believe that is how a man is suppose to behave with a woman. You remind me so much of a good friend of mine. he is an awesome guy, but always strikes out with women. Why? because he just lays down on the ground when it comes to women. He turns into a giant wimp and lets women walk all over him. That is not what women want in a man.

Im not saying you got to be a jerk to women. But, you don't have to lay down so much either.

There is someone who keeps asking me to coffee, and while I could be misreading his actions/words, I feel like he's trying to ask me out. While I think he's a great friend, I just don't feel that way towards him, and I'm nervous about hanging out with him one on one and saying something that will either give him false hope or hurt his feelings.
I really just need to pray about it and seek God's guidance in how to handle this situation.

Spunkn wrote:

Made sense to me, but then maybe I'm becoming proficient in speaking Eggnog  

finally someone understands my language. =D

Guys I need your help. What do I do?


So... a nice young man... seems interested. I can be very mistaken, but it seems like he is.

He's been concerned. He's pmed me. After a nice conversation. He states...
1. By the way. By what I've seen your personality makes you."
2. " just know you have my approval since day 1..." (Why didn't I jump at that moment and ask what you mean? I don't know... I was shocked by it and I was left speechless.)
3. I Said hi hope your doing well. He said he was... then he said... (xxx) xxx-xxxx Text me whenever.

In all honesty I was going to give him my number, but I held off.

We've texted little things, but I don't really know cause... well He's not much of a talker... He said he was shy and for him to take the initiative I'm just presuming that he is interested, but I'm not sure.

So guys... I should play it cool right? Just relax and take it smooth. He really may only just want to be a friend thats all right?

Oh goodness. I did it; I let him know, in so many words, that I was not interested in a relationship with him beyond friendship. I feel relieved in some ways, but also anxious because I hate to hurt people's feelings. Before I sent the message, I was really nervous that I would cave in because I have a hard time telling people 'no'.

But it's done now. He has yet to respond, and things will likely be awkward (especially on Sundays) but it's out there. I'm pretty sure I did the right thing, so hopefully it will sort itself out.

wannaberocker wrote:

Awesome Sauce wrote:

Well I didn't mean to imply that ALL strong, independent women are that way. I even said I hope to find the one who is attracted to me and that's why I'm attracted to them because they balance me out.  But while I may be sensitive, I am tough and hardworking and been through a lot of garbage and never gave up on God, hope or life.  

 

There are a few things here to remember. There is physical and mental toughness in general (which im sure you have). Then there is mental toughness when it comes to women. I personally believe you are mentally and physically tough, however when it comes to women you turn into a wimp.

Why? I have no idea. Maybe you just believe that is how a man is suppose to behave with a woman. You remind me so much of a good friend of mine. he is an awesome guy, but always strikes out with women. Why? because he just lays down on the ground when it comes to women. He turns into a giant wimp and lets women walk all over him. That is not what women want in a man.

Im not saying you got to be a jerk to women. But, you don't have to lay down so much either.

This is a a result of a lifetime of abuse and conditioning that I've been overcoming. I'm tough because of what I've been through, but yes, I am weak in other ways. I do let people walk over me. My own sister has told me I let her kids walk all over me because I'm the good uncle. After some time living there, I was able to put my foot down and they respected me more. I was still the fun uncle they loved and my sister trusted me to babysit them more because she knew I wouldn't just give in to them to make them happy.

But I have had this happen with a good friend of mine and we talked about how I just want to make people happy. My whole life, I seem to only have disappointed and hurt others, which led them to abuse and hurt me because I was a bad kid (though I was a great kid). That's the mentality I'm working on overcoming. They abused me because they were sick, not because I made them react that way. So I have spent a lot of time overcompensating.

I'm working on saying no and not being a "wimp" and not pouring my whole self out into pleasing and making others happy.

You did the right thing, Jess. There's nothing to be gained by withholding the truth. And if you couldn't return his feelings, he'd have realized sooner or later, and he might have resented you for not being upfront with him.

Soldier... yeah, you can play it cool. He may be interested, maybe not. As a guy (last time I checked), I don't think I'd spontaneously give a girl my number just for the sake of being friends. But that's just me.

Strider... That's also been a first for me. A guy willingly giving me his number is not truly done often. Last time it was done was a cfer, but they only did it to help and out of the kindness of their heart. So... yeah... it's a first for me.

The only thing I wonder about is what he means by "You have my approval since day 1." That was a blunder on my end. I should of asked him. I just didn't know how to. I guess I was kind of scared to put him on the spot, since he said he was shy.

I've been quiet, but so far he seems to be responsive, but he stated he was shy. Who knows... only time will tell. I'll just leave it alone. Until... I am sure.

Even if someone is shy, it doesn't hurt to ask them what they mean.

Just my opinion as a shy person.

wannaberocker wrote:

Im not saying you got to be a jerk to women. But, you don't have to lay down so much either.

What is "laying down" by your definition?

Listening to music last night and thought of this thread. ^_^



This song makes me happy.

Paulie079 wrote:

wannaberocker wrote:

Im not saying you got to be a jerk to women. But, you don't have to lay down so much either.

What is "laying down" by your definition?

When a guy is so into the girl that he hangs onto every word she says. When a guy does everything a girls asks him to do without questioning "am I making a fool out of myself for this girl"? When a girl uses a guy as a pillow to cry on, when her real BF has a fight with her.

something sort of along those lines.

Awesome Sauce wrote:

This is a a result of a lifetime of abuse and conditioning that I've been overcoming.  I'm tough because of what I've been through, but yes, I am weak in other ways.  I do let people walk over me.  My own sister has told me I let her kids walk all over me because I'm the good uncle.  After some time living there, I was able to put my foot down and they respected me more.  I was still the fun uncle they loved and my sister trusted me to babysit them more because she knew I wouldn't just give in to them to make them happy.  

But I have had this happen with a good friend of mine and we talked about how I just want to make people happy.  My whole life, I seem to only have disappointed and hurt others, which led them to abuse and hurt me because I was a bad kid (though I was a great kid).  That's the mentality I'm working on overcoming.  They abused me because they were sick, not because I made them react that way.  So I have spent a lot of time overcompensating.  

I'm working on saying no and not being a "wimp" and not pouring my whole self out into pleasing and making others happy.  

well recognizing the behavior is the first step. Then working on it is the second step. Keep it up.

wannaberocker wrote:

Paulie079 wrote:

wannaberocker wrote:

Im not saying you got to be a jerk to women. But, you don't have to lay down so much either.

What is "laying down" by your definition?

When a guy is so into the girl that he hangs onto every word she says. When a guy does everything a girls asks him to do without questioning "am I making a fool out of myself for this girl"? When a girl uses a guy as a pillow to cry on, when her real BF has a fight with her.

something sort of along those lines.

I would disagree that "laying down" means comforting someone who's going through a hard time with their boyfriend. Now if you're interested in the girl, and you aren't putting up proper boundaries, then sure. But I've had quite a few girls that would come to me and talk about stuff going on with their boyfriends just because they feel safe talking to me. I was never interested in them, so I didn't mind giving advice.

If you mean comforting a girl, because you're attracted to her, and you want to "win her over" by being a shoulder to cry on, then I would agree with you.

Depends on what you meant I guess.

It's a process Saucy, and abuse has a lifetime of effects. You'll always have to deal with it in some ways. Just remember that you are how God made you, and no one's perfect, no matter how hard they try to appear that way. It may take time, but I think one important step is learning to give yourself a little breathing room. It's hard, because I'm bad at this myself but you have to give yourself a chance. Doesn't mean you just blindly run into situations you're not prepared for, but you can't shut people out just because you assume something about a situation either.

So when a girl asks about your job, friends you on facebook, etc you can't make assumptions about her intentions. She might, in fact, be interested in you. Until you find out more information you don't know. But you can't give up on her (assuming she's someone you'd be interested in) because you let your own mind games convince you that she wouldn't be. Try not to be so hard on yourself. That doesn't mean you have to "fake" things, but it does mean you have to give yourself a little forgiveness. And sometimes it means you have to second guess things. If someone makes a statement, and you think it's attacking you, ask first. Don't assume they are attacking you. You can get upset or angry IF they are attacking you, but if you automatically assume things it gets you into trouble.

If you assume a girl does not like you, before you've even found out the reality of whether or not she does, you've already lost. I'll be the first to say I struggle with it too and I'm very hard on myself. But it's a process every day, one step at a time, at giving yourself a chance. Treat yourself the same way you would treat your friends.

Spunkn wrote:

I would disagree that "laying down" means comforting someone who's going through a hard time with their boyfriend.  Now if you're interested in the girl, and you aren't putting up proper boundaries, then sure.  But I've had quite a few girls that would come to me and talk about stuff going on with their boyfriends just because they feel safe talking to me.  I was never interested in them, so I didn't mind giving advice.  

If you mean comforting a girl, because you're attracted to her, and you want to "win her over" by being a shoulder to cry on, then I would agree with you.  

Depends on what you meant I guess.  

 

No I meant more like if you were interested in a girl. Yet, you were the habitual shoulder she cried on cause her current BF n her had a fight. No self respecting guy should stay in that situation, where you are the guy, a girl talks to about other guys shes attracted to.

I'd define "laying down" as any time a guy subverts his own needs or desires for the sake of making a girl like him, or to avoid any possible relationship conflicts. I did that in the past. Then I grew up