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Amber.ly

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PostSubject: Re: Not talking to someone cause your partner dosnt want you to.   Sun Jul 28, 2013 6:04 pm

I'm not friends or even like half of the people my friends have married. I tried to talk my sister out of marrying her husband.

Guess what? I'm still friends with my friends. And my sister is still my best friend. We all make it work. Mostly because I think it is easier to keep friends then to lose them.

Well, I guess it didn't work out with my BIL but that is because he is an abusive, lying, evil #$%($#P% person so our problems didn't exactly begin and end with each other Wink Luckily I might never have to see him again or ever pretend to keep the peace between us again.
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PostSubject: Re: Not talking to someone cause your partner dosnt want you to.   Sun Jul 28, 2013 7:09 pm

If I'm friends with someone and that person hurts me, I will quit talking to her. If my husband or boyfriend is still friends with that person I would feel betrayed like my SO is okay with people hurting me. I think this is being looked at wrong. It's not so much, 'my spouse doesn't want me talking to this person!' But more of 'Is this worth having marital issues?' 'Am I putting my spouse before myself?'
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PostSubject: Re: Not talking to someone cause your partner dosnt want you to.   Sun Jul 28, 2013 7:35 pm

Toro wrote:
wannaberocker wrote:


I like your moms approach to be honest. As a man I can appreciate the occasional straight forward "I don't want you talkin to her because I don't trust her" approach.

I like it too.

It's so much easier than the silent drama of:

Him: Whats wrong?

Her : Nothing.

Him: well why are you being this way

Her: If you dont know Im not gonna tell you

Him: Wait.... what? :scratch:  So something is wrong?

Her: Cant you tell by my deep sighs? I swear you dont pay any attention to me!

Him: Why do you think I asked whats wrong?

Her: Well if you truly loved me youd know!

Him: Doh!

Females that act like that are not women. They are little girls and need to grow up.
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wannaberocker

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PostSubject: Re: Not talking to someone cause your partner dosnt want you to.   Sun Jul 28, 2013 8:16 pm

Hadassah wrote:
If I'm friends with someone and that person hurts me, I will quit talking to her. If my husband or boyfriend is still friends with that person I would feel betrayed like my SO is okay with people hurting me. I think this is being looked at wrong. It's not so much, 'my spouse doesn't want me talking to this person!' But more of 'Is this worth having marital issues?' 'Am I putting my spouse before myself?'

I agree.
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Miss Spaulding

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PostSubject: Re: Not talking to someone cause your partner dosnt want you to.   Sun Jul 28, 2013 8:17 pm

I feel like this discussion has slightly branched off in several directions. :scratch:Sooo...semi-blind post here, and in answering the OP.

Like some of said, it would depend on my husband's reasoning as to why he doesn't want me speaking to or associating with a particular friend. And I would gladly sit down and hear him out on his reasoning why. Perhaps he senses something about this friend that I do not...in which case I will certainly want to know about whatever suspicions he has. In my opinion, I always find it very obvious when a particular reason is behind such a request; I speak of jealousy. Now, if this is the case, then chances are I probably won't heed to any request (and certainly not a 'command') to cut ties with this friend because clearly the issue lies with the husband and not the friend. However, in deference to my husband, I would make a point at limiting more 'privately based' contact with this friend and enjoy this friend's company amongst a group or with my husband alongside me. Which I already plan to live by such rules should I ever marry, regardless of whether or not my husband is the jealous type.

And, though I've pretty much said it already, I'll just clarify that I too would prefer to have a sit down and be explained as to why he doesn't want me around a particular friend rather than be commanded and that's that. A kind word and a soft hand work best with me...it always has.

If we're talking about such an issue in only a girlfriend/boyfriend relationship, then I would still allow him to explain himself as to his reasoning; however, those little red flags would be waving in the back of my mind. His reasons better be darn good, otherwise I'll be questioning any further continuance of the relationship between us.


Last edited by Miss Spaulding on Sun Jul 28, 2013 8:27 pm; edited 1 time in total
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wannaberocker

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PostSubject: Re: Not talking to someone cause your partner dosnt want you to.   Sun Jul 28, 2013 8:23 pm

Well most ladies have said they would sit down and hear out the reasoning as to why the hubby didn't want them to speak to someone. However, most have rejected the idea of being told "hey don't talk to such n such person".

So keeping that in mind the question then becomes. If you heard the reasoning from your SO and you didn't agree with their reasoning. Would you continue to hang out or speak with that person they asked you to not hang out or speak with?
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PostSubject: Re: Not talking to someone cause your partner dosnt want you to.   Sun Jul 28, 2013 8:27 pm

depends on the situation, I suppose. But if he saw something there that bothered him, I would most likely respect his feelings on the matter and limit or drop my contact with that person even if I didn't see it myself. In the end, my husand's feelings would be so much more important to me than anything else. And considering its not a parent-child relationship to rebel against, but a partnership then its up to me to work with him rather than against him to make our relationship work.

However, if its something that is based on a misunderstanding/insecurity/stubbornness/whatever, and just talking it out makes him feel more secure or gives him a different perspective on the issue, then it may not even go as far as that.

hence why I like the idea of talking things out. both people get to work together to come up with a solution that works.


Last edited by little_tigress on Sun Jul 28, 2013 8:35 pm; edited 1 time in total
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wannaberocker

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PostSubject: Re: Not talking to someone cause your partner dosnt want you to.   Sun Jul 28, 2013 8:34 pm

So at the end of it we are at point A again.

Fact is even the women who don't wanna be told "hey you cant see this person" are intelligent enough to know that the feelings of their SO matter, no matter how ridiculous they might seem to us. That is the funny thing about feels, they can seem silly to some while extremely strong to others.

We can put whatever label we want on it. We can say "we talked about it and agreed" or we can say "Well my SO told me not to hang out with XYZ" at the end of it we all know that our SO matter more to us than any friendship or any other relationship will.

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PostSubject: Re: Not talking to someone cause your partner dosnt want you to.   Sun Jul 28, 2013 8:40 pm

wannaberocker wrote:
So at the end of it we are at point A again.

Fact is even the women who don't wanna be told "hey you cant see this person" are intelligent enough to know that the feelings of their SO matter, no matter how ridiculous they might seem to us. That is the funny thing about feels, they can seem silly to some while extremely strong to others.

We can put whatever label we want on it. We can say "we talked about it and agreed" or we can say "Well my SO told me not to hang out with XYZ" at the end of it we all know that our SO matter more to us than any friendship or any other relationship will.


except that one way is authoritarian. my husband has no right to order me not to talk to someone. And if he knows me well enough to marry me, he knows he'll never get anywhere with me by ordering me around Razz

the other way means we work together to resolve the issue. And, like I said, it may not even go so far as cutting off that relationship. We won't know what the possible resolutions could be unless they're discussed. When someone orders another person around, they're deciding the entire issue for both people.

Its not about labels, its about approach and relationship dynamics. If I respect my husband, I will be considerate of his feelings if he tells me something bothers him and asks me to stop. If he respects me, he will talk things out with me and trust me that I would put him and our relationship first rather than command me to do something.
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PostSubject: Re: Not talking to someone cause your partner dosnt want you to.   Sun Jul 28, 2013 8:52 pm

I don't understand the "demand/command" branch of the discusion to be honest.

Obviously if we are talking demands, I don't give orders, nor will I accept orders be given.

I thought we were talking a rational discussion between husband and wife (GF/BF).

One has a valid problem with them...... in which as I said, I would ALWAYS side with my wife or woman possibly to become my wife.

I HAVE been in relationships where I expressed my concern and EVERY one of them have been proven correct. There was a woman I dated for years, she had a friend since they were young that I told her I didnt trust. I simply said "Be careful" she said "He doesn't like me like that, I have been friends with him since we were teenagers, if he were into me like that he would have tried something by now" I said," Okay, I'm just warning you, he DOES want more than simply your friendship."

She called me jealous etc. her and I had an argument one day (Not about that) and she was crying her eyes out with him there to "comfort" her..thinking that her and I had broken up, not just had a fight.

While she was crying her eyes out.... he tried to grab her.

There are other examples like that in my past not exactly like that but similar, so I know red flags even before I know that I see them. (If that makes sense)

I listen to my gut and I voice my concern but have never and will never choose someones friends for them, I expect the same respect. I will tell a woman WHY I dont trust some guy, what she does with it is up to her. If voicing such concerns makes me jealous, then so be it. But if it were jealousy, it would be EVERY guy the woman I was dating were friends with, I wouldn't focus on one or two that bring up red flags.

Ethnog wrote:
Toro I did that before with my first bf. I never told him and was always passive-aggressive. I cringe thinking about how I acted because I didn't know how to communicate.
Thankfully, I've grown out of that ... It was a long time ago but I learned that even when it's hard I need to say what I really think and feel.

Just saw this.... I have always been with passive aggressive women for the most part and it drives me insane. It is why my partial list of the woman I marry....and women I can even think of marrying in the future being a possibility are honest and direct, even with small stuff. Yes, truth may sting me a bit at first.... but how can I avoid doing it, saying it, acting a certain way.... if I don't even know about it?

Even those people who tell me off I have FAR more respect for. I like honest enemies more than lying friends.


Last edited by Toro on Sun Jul 28, 2013 8:56 pm; edited 1 time in total
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PostSubject: Re: Not talking to someone cause your partner dosnt want you to.   Sun Jul 28, 2013 8:55 pm

As Sara said, that is someone who is a little girl and not a woman.
And at 19 years old, I was a little girl with no experience or understanding. Mostly, I expected more then I gave to him. He did the exact same thing to me.

Thank GOD I grew out of that because its not a beautiful or healthy relationship to be in.

Though I would say, that has nothing to do with age, someone can be a "little girl" at any age, just like the "little man boys."
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Toro

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PostSubject: Re: Not talking to someone cause your partner dosnt want you to.   Sun Jul 28, 2013 8:57 pm

Ethnog wrote:
As Sara said, that is someone who is a little girl and not a woman.
And at 19 years old, I was a little girl with no experience or understanding. Mostly, I expected more then I gave to him. He did the exact same thing to me.

Thank GOD I grew out of that because its not a beautiful or healthy relationship to be in.

Though I would say, that has nothing to do with age, someone can be a "little girl" at any age, just like the "little man boys."

True, because when I was in my early 20's I dated women in their early 30s hoping to avoid all that.... sadly, I landed right smack dab in the middle of it anyway.
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PostSubject: Re: Not talking to someone cause your partner dosnt want you to.   Sun Jul 28, 2013 9:05 pm

little_tigress wrote:


except that one way is authoritarian. my husband has no right to order me not to talk to someone. And if he knows me well enough to marry me, he knows he'll never get anywhere with me by ordering me around Razz

he doesn't? So in your view a husband has no right to ever tell his wife in anything in an authoritarian way? because according to you he has no authority over his wife?
little_tigress wrote:


the other way means we work together to resolve the issue. And, like I said, it may not even go so far as cutting off that relationship. We won't know what the possible resolutions could be unless they're discussed. When someone orders another person around, they're deciding the entire issue for both people.

Its not about labels, its about approach and relationship dynamics. If I respect my husband, I will be considerate of his feelings if he tells me something bothers him and asks me to stop. If he respects me, he will talk things out with me and trust me that I would put him and our relationship first rather than command me to do something.

Yeah, but not ever man always acts like this "lets talk about things" wuss that women seem to seek. There will be times when every man will want to feel like he has some authority as the head of his family to make a one sided decision.

I personally don't see anything wrong with the occasional one sided decision being made. Not every situation in life needs to be discussed or worked out. I think your parents example and my parents example proves the point. My folks talk about stuff all the time, but there are situations where they will make a once sided decision and the other will submit and go along with the choice. They will compromise their personal feelings for the harmony in their marriage.

If my father makes a one sided decision my mother dosnt go "No man has the authority to tell me what to do". No, will submit to his decision and go along with it. My father is the same way, sometimes my mom will make a one sided decision and my father will submit to her will and go along with it.

Ill go as far as saying that a man who feels he has no authority to be the head of a household isn't much of a man to being with.
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PostSubject: Re: Not talking to someone cause your partner dosnt want you to.   Sun Jul 28, 2013 9:21 pm

I don't get why some many women have bought into the feminist chip on their shoulder identity. Where if they submit to any man they seem to think they are weak somehow or as if they will lose their "Strong, independent" woman card.

Why is it that every man is culturally programmed to be kind, sensitive, caring, loving. Yet, when a man expresses any feelings of strength or authority. He automatically becomes this old fashioned ape who needs to be re-programmed so he turns into the effeminate wuss who spend most of his college years studying the feminist movement and women's liberation theories.

Geez is that really the kinda men that are popular these day. No wonder im single.

Ok Rant over.

BTW LT this was not directed toward you, its a general rant towards society.
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PostSubject: Re: Not talking to someone cause your partner dosnt want you to.   Sun Jul 28, 2013 9:23 pm

I was going to post something but it would bring in a whole different topic and thread loll

Not that I didn't derail the thread already!
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PostSubject: Re: Not talking to someone cause your partner dosnt want you to.   Sun Jul 28, 2013 9:25 pm

Ethnog wrote:
I was going to post something but it would bring in a whole different topic and thread loll

Not that I didn't derail the thread already!

Ethie!!!

If you keep derailing threads.... people will think Im wearing off on you. Suspect 
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PostSubject: Re: Not talking to someone cause your partner dosnt want you to.   Sun Jul 28, 2013 9:27 pm

Yes. I am a bad example of what the membership team should not do!
Sigh such hard work!

Very Happy
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PostSubject: Re: Not talking to someone cause your partner dosnt want you to.   Sun Jul 28, 2013 9:27 pm

wannabe, I'm sorry, but this has nothing to do with feminism. I wasn't even going there. I think I'm just done with the discussion.
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PostSubject: Re: Not talking to someone cause your partner dosnt want you to.   Sun Jul 28, 2013 9:28 pm

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PostSubject: Re: Not talking to someone cause your partner dosnt want you to.   Sun Jul 28, 2013 9:31 pm

little_tigress wrote:
wannabe, I'm sorry, but this has nothing to do with feminism. I wasn't even going there. I think I'm just done with the discussion.

Crying or Very sad

It's okay Tigress.

IIIIIeeeeeIIIIIeeeeeeIIIIIII O will always stalk youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu IIII will always stalk YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU* cough cough* That high note always kills my voice.


No one understands me or my potato either. Hug

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PostSubject: Re: Not talking to someone cause your partner dosnt want you to.   Sun Jul 28, 2013 9:33 pm

little_tigress wrote:
wannabe, I'm sorry, but this has nothing to do with feminism. I wasn't even going there. I think I'm just done with the discussion.

fair enough.
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PostSubject: Re: Not talking to someone cause your partner dosnt want you to.   Sun Jul 28, 2013 9:37 pm

The thing is that no person has the right to demand or command another to do anything. Period. A man can suggest, ask, talk to, give his opinion, discuss, etc...but he cannot command a woman to do anything. Men are to love their wives as Christ loves the church and Christ doesn't command us to do anything. If He did, everyone would be saved. Women saying that men don't have the right to demand things of them is not feminism. Also, it doesn't mean we can't or won't submit to our husbands. Husbands should loved their wives in such a way that a demand/command isn't needed.
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PostSubject: Re: Not talking to someone cause your partner dosnt want you to.   Sun Jul 28, 2013 9:37 pm

Disclaimer: I've only read the first and last page of posts.

I think it's about respect. I don't want to be treated like a child and told who I am and am not allowed to talk to. I am a partner in my relationship. If Puffca were to not want me to talk to someone, I would ask why. I wouldn't ask in a rebellious teenager way, because again, I'm not a child. But we try to communicate respectfully and he would probably tell me before I even had to ask why. Though a direct request would not necessarily be needed. I was Facebook friends with an ex when I got married. I told Puffca and said he was welcome to read any PMs, and I asked him if he was okay with the friendship. He said he was, but when I was far along in my pregnancy, he said something that made me wonder if he was being completely honest (with himself as much as me). So, I defriended the ex and haven't communicated with him since.
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PostSubject: Re: Not talking to someone cause your partner dosnt want you to.   Sun Jul 28, 2013 9:43 pm

I agree it's about respect.  I don't feel I have the right to demand my husband do something; that is not respecting him and him demanding that I do or not do something is not respect.  In marriage, if you are a halfway decent person then you want to protect your marriage and keep honor for your spouse, no matter your gender. Quite honestly if someone treated my husband badly; it's like treating me badly; so if a friend did that to my husband I likely wouldn't keep being buddy buddy with the friend out of respect for my husband; especially if it was more his friend than mine. He wouldn't even have to explain anything to me or ask me to do anything. I'd be polite to the friend but until things were fixed between them I wouldn't be overly enthused about inviting them over or what not.
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PostSubject: Re: Not talking to someone cause your partner dosnt want you to.   Sun Jul 28, 2013 9:52 pm

Tink wrote:
The thing is that no person has the right to demand or command another to do anything. Period.  A man can suggest, ask, talk to, give his opinion, discuss, etc...but he cannot command a woman to do anything.  Men are to love their wives as Christ loves the church and Christ doesn't command us to do anything. If He did, everyone would be saved.  Women saying that men don't have the right to demand things of them is not feminism.  Also, it doesn't mean we can't or won't submit to our husbands.  Husbands should loved their wives in such a way that a demand/command isn't needed.

No one is saying that 1 person can command another to do something. What we are talking about is the Husband wife dynamic. Where if God forbid a husband put his foot down on a matter, the wife willingly submits to her husband. And iv even gone far enough to suggest that this dynamic is not always such where the husband is the authority figure. Iv seen examples of my parents where sometimes my mom takes the lead on a situation and my dad allows her to take the lead. The same way my mom allows my dad to take the lead on a situation.

What frustrates me is the fact that as a man, when I say that a man can exercise the lead role of authority in a relationship sometimes. The only response I get from women is "no man has the right to order me or have authority over me". Yet, when the dynamic is changed and the woman is put in the lead role most men on here say "they will allow their wife to make that decision and follow her lead"

So what is it that tells todays women automatically to reject any notion of authority. While todays men are much more willing to allow a woman to take the lead occasionally in the same relationship?

I don't call it out and out feminism. I call it overt and cultural feminism where every woman rejects the idea of any man taking the lead Ever. Most women don't even care t know the situation, but automatically they will reject the idea of a man taking the lead. To me that is cultural feminism which every woman born post 1960s seems to instinctly follow.
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